February 14

Valentine's Day always feels awkward and forced to me, and that, in turn, makes me feel a bit grinchy. A day to celebrate love, what could be wrong with that? But I never know what to write on the card.

Tonight I came across these words from Jen Lee: "I do not think of love as a stable substance. I picture us handling it with heavy mitts and tongs and trying not to drop it as we pass it around the room .... love is like the opposite of kryptonite -- it is the unstable substance that we cannot live without, in whose absence we wilt and our strength wanes."

This is how I feel right now, that it's a hot potato we are trying not to drop as we pass it around the room; I'm looking at it from the corner of my eye, so as not to let it burn a hole through my palm. Having to write about it on a card is too confronting, too defining, if I want to speak truth and not platitudes. It will crack me right open. And that might hurt.

So while I warmly appreciate flower deliveries and serenades, and while I can't stop making gifts and cards, this focus, in one day, on lovelovelove always feels somewhat embarrassing. Would anyone mind if I opted out?