A grave kind of day

It was overcast at first, but later in the afternoon the sun broke through. I'd had a quiet contemplative day, so a visit to the old section of the nearby cemetery seemed right.

Then I read these words by the incomparable Jen Lemen: "I’m trying to forget everywhere I’ve been, so I can find myself exactly where I am. I’m examining the goodness of staying in one spot and loving exactly what is before me, without demand or expectation." She says it so much better than I can.

For days I have been feeling so rudderless, so purposeless. As I said to Josh yesterday, "It's so hard to suddenly go from having a family to not having one." It's not just the loneliness, though that is sometimes overwhelming. When you have a partner and children you always know what you need to do next. You have parameters, boundaries, a standard to measure things against. But when those fences are taken down, what then? What am I meant to be doing?

The answer is: I am meant to be here. I am meant to love exactly what is before me, without demand or expectation. I need to forget everywhere I've been, so I can find myself exactly where I am.